you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
