the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
