If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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