A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
