Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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