I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
