i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Randomize
