She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
