am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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