you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
im holly from the hills drunk
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
