Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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