I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
The Olympian is in my bed
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
