I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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