First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
