I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I looked at my own cervix.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
