I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
