Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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