I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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