I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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