We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
