If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
