my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Why did my mother make you get naked?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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