How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Four minutes until I can fart!
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
