I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
third nipple confirmed
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
