my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
