i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
