the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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