I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
