I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Found your dick twin last night
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
