Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
