Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
