when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
