I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
