Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
