I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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