i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
