I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
