help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I just googled if crying burns calories
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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