I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Randomize
