Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
We just shotgunned beers for America
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
