Your dad touched me again.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize