You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
