I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
