What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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