so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
