I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
