He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
