Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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