i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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