did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Randomize
