I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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